shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
