i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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