Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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