I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
