He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
