i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
