I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
