i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
