whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
