About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
