It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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