i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
