I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
