My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Sober January is a disaster.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
