Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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