At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
