I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
