You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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