College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
