I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
sarcasm needs its own font
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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