i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
