Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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