I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
