i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
