I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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