I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Watching her eat just hurts me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You're a waste of cheezeits
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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