I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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