We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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