I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
