i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
