Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
