I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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