i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
