You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
