I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
