saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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