I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
