Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
