So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
His nipple licking is glorious
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
