i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
