no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
