I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
