I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
