I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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