i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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