The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
