You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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