I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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