if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
