No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
